White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
