Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
