Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
