Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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