I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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