I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
