My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
