thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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