the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
