i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
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My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize