he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
