This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize