You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
