I could make wine with my vomit
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
