I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
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Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
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God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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