nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
