Swine flu. Run for my life!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
