the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
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