I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
