My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
