none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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