How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
