my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just threw up on my dentist
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
