ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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