i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
