This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
