when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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