ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
