I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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