mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize