lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
