No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
