Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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