Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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