its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
