Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
