My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
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i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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