who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
