So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Ketchup is God's man juice
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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