So drunk its hurt
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
