cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
