my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
