very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
