my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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