I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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