OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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