My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
