One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
