chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
