if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
