tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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