The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
