i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
