They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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