I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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