Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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