I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
